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My awful week 

So this week has been an awful week …
To start the week things where not too great.. between me and my two girls ..layla 2 maddison 11 months… having a sickness and diareah bug I spend most of my time with one or both clinging to me. I’m not going to lie it was really hard emotionally … at times I just wanted to be left alone. Having bipolar, anxiety, ocd and emotional problems sometimes I just don’t have the mental space to cope especially when my poorly children need me every second of the day.

Then came the night times when the kids where in bed and I got half an hour break in between changing pjs because my eldest had been sick again and she was telling me she didn’t feel well … it was in these moments I really felt like the worst mother in the world.. all that swirled through my bipolar mind was ‘i can’t even have five minutes to myself’. As a mother I should be able to spend the entire night telling my sad poorly children that everything is okay.. but for me I was emotionally drained I was ‘touched out’ .. in other words I just wanted to be left alone … but even though they were poorly and I went through the motions to make sure they were cared for, loved and made sure they knew their mummy was there for them no matter what I also had a husband to contend with … now the kids are in bed and I’m already so physically, mentally and emotionally drained my poor husband wanted his share of me … and in my mind my husband, unlike my kids, can just sit on the back burner till I’m ready to be around people again.

And of course this then lead to problems between me and the hubby … I can totally understand his frustrations and I honestly feel for him .. but it’s in these moment that I need his support .. I need him to be there and to pick up the slack that I just can’t cope with anymore … iv given every thing to my kids and I had nothing left for him.. and I still needed and wanted more from him …

My BIPOLAR mind had once again taken over everything … now my kids have only had the bare minimum from me and my husband has had nothing but greif from me … once again I’m not good enough… I’m not good enough and iv honestly tried my hardest … my hardest isn’t good enough …

I would give anything to just wake up and be able to have a whole day without having to fight… fighting to just do what should be completely normal to every other person … I wake up every day completely exhausted… and I know i have to find the strength to make it through another day … and I go to bed even more exhausted and know that every single day for the rest of my life is going to be a fight … the only difference between days is weather or not that fight is bearable or not!

To make it even worse my husband wants to take me away for our 2 year wedding anniversary in March .. we want to go to Prague and I’m so bloody excited … we are gonna have 4 days with no children and the limited emotional capacity I have is going to go to my poor husband for a change…. but as with everything in my life … my ANXIETY mind takes hold as I’m fighting to get some sleep and turns this one light in my future into a nightmare… in my mind .. we are gonna die, get robbed, kidnapped … the worst is gonna happen .. if you can think of it .. so have I…

But after all is said and done I have survived another week … I have succeeded in my fight … it may be one day at a time but I am still here and still fighting .. 

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