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The dream of recovery 

Recovery to me means being in a stable state
What a blissful word that holds untold promise of a day where I may wake up and just feel ‘normal’

Now I can’t honestly say iv never been in a state of recovery because I have … My period of self harming from the ages 11-17 is over so I guess it would be politically correct to say I am in a state of recovery but …. that doesn’t take into account that in those moments where I can’t cope, self harm is the first thing that springs to my mind … that need… that craving comes spiralling back to the fore front of my mind.
So i don’t think I’m in a state of recovery and I don’t think I ever will be … I see myself as a self harmer that just isn’t harming at the moment… just because I don’t cut deep to feel the release doesn’t mean I don’t hurt myself in other ways … like eating to much/too little, pushing everyone I love away, hurting them because I can’t hurt myself (not physically) .. so I’m just resisting at this moment in my life

Now in terms of my mental health regarding my bipolar iv never been stable… i have never got the help I need and I’m still fighting … me and my family live in hope that someday I’m not going to have to fight ‘alone’ … now I do have my family, my husband, my in laws and they are amazing … My husband is my rock. But he admits himself he has no idea what goes on in my head on a second to second basis so he researches and troll the internet to how he can support me better but as we all know each individual is different and there isn’t a map of my moods he can follow…
As it stands we hope everyday that i/we will recieve the help that we are so desperately reaching out for… everyone so far has failed me and we continue to try and fight this ourselves … I don’t just mean support for both me and my family but they haven’t cracked my medication yet either… and although I plead with them to help I have to wait …. and by waiting I mean the 12th of December (iv already been waiting for over 8 weeks) and that is just to get a review!!

So as much as I long to be in a state of recovery where I am stable … so far it’s just a dream that I will never achieve … i am literally in a state of hopelessness … I fight everyday just to get through… I wait for the manic and dread the depression…

But we live in hope!! 

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