I am a mother to a sweet 2 year old called Eden.
My journey into motherhood hasn’t been easy. After two miscarriages I was determined that I would never cradle my baby in my stomach to my arms. After many months of sickness and being so frightened I would loose my baby I did not bond as well as I could have during pregnancy, I didn’t want to get attached to her in case ‘something bad happened’. After a ‘failed’ induction which led to an emergency C-section, I felt a failure as Mother that I couldn’t deliver ‘naturally’ and due to all of the drugs I had taken during labor, my baby girl found it impossible to latch onto my breast to feed.
I felt that I was failing her; I didn’t hold her first, I couldn’t breastfeed, I didn’t change her first nappy or give her that first bath at the hospital – because I was in so much pain from being sliced open – that would be a rational thought. My mind however deemed it as a failure before I had even started Motherhood.
Skip forward a couple of months, I was a single parent – doing it alone. A failed relationship, sleepless nights, nagging opinions from others that I should accept because they’ve ‘been there, done that’. I began to crumble. I couldn’t cope. I didn’t want to be alone with my baby girl because I felt inadequate, I kept comparing myself to other Mums and trying to feel more for my daughter than what I should but… I felt numb. It was routine and exhaustion. I was alone, with a new life that needed me, needed me to be on top of things, needed me to be happy. I was aching, I was isolated and lonely.
Eden was 7 months old when I decided that life wasn’t worth living anymore, the daily struggle was too much and I honestly felt that she deserved better than me. What kind of Mother was I? She deserved better – my thoughts kept haunting me.
It was at that point I sat in my GP’s office and spoke to one of the most amazing Practice Nurses out there that got me an appointment with the local Mental Health Team. Infront of the Mental Health team I expelled 7 months of tears, tears of failure, guilt and resentment towards my self. I couldn’t stop crying as I looked at Eden whilst she slept in her pram next to me. I was wondering what her life would be like without me, consumed by these thoughts I was honest with the Mental Health team and even though my condition was really bad, I practically had to beg for help. Awful.
I was put under a crisis team and psychiatric Nurses visited me every day for two weeks. I was placed on Venlafaxine and I am currently still on these meds at 225mg. I have also been put on a low dose of anti-psychotics; 5mg of Aripiprazole – which really helps my anxiety. I also went through CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) three times and have took some useful techniques from it regarding anxiety coping mechanisms but I am now on the waiting list for a more intense therapy with my Mental Health team in their psychology department- there are some deep trauma’s that need to be addressed but for now I am now in a position where the bond with my daughter is so strong and the love I have for her is undeniable. She is my universe.
I feel that I had to go through that hard point to get me where I am today and it has taught me a lot about how to manage my Mental Health. I am hoping that by setting up ‘MUMS 4 MUMS’ blog and Facebook group support page that we can share experiences of how resilient we are as Mothers and that we have faced our lowest points but still keep going. Awareness needs to be spread in this day and age about the complications of post-partum Mental health to try and save lives and families and support Mums’ who really just need someone to talk to or feel heard, which is why I am so passionate about everything I do for ‘MUMS 4 MUMS’.
I hope you have found support and comfort in reading blog posts from wonderful, amazing and inspiring women – keep posted as there is more to come! 🙂