​I have so many triggers it’s hard to be able to control them! 
Arguments!! We all have them and me and my husband are no exception! In fact we had one this morning … after the argument my first thought was self harm … I could feel it all rumbling deep down inside .. that pressure that needed releasing … I knew I had to suppress the thought and release the pressure another way… so I screamed at him!! Not a little shout I screamed!! Then i calmly sat down and started to fold the washing, then focused my mind on to cleaning. Eventually that thought passes and I’m back in that calm frame of mind. 
I honestly don’t think that there is any possible way of avoiding it … it’s even harder for me, with two young children (2 and a half and almost 1) and a house to run, bills to pay, finances to keep on top of, bipolar to try and control … there is always something for me to stress about! My husband works hard to give me and the kids a better life and I stay at home and work my bum off to keep this house in order and the kids happy … but the stress and pressure adds up till I have a mini break down and spend the night sobbing … unfortunately there is no way for me to avoid it!! It’s hard for other woman I know but everything in my mind seems so overwhelming and like nothing will ever get better! In my bipolar mind if I’m in a manic state I handle everything like a bloody super hero and in my depression it’s feels almost impossible for me to keep onto of everything, I feel totally unable to be a mum to my girls and a wife to my husband … in that moment all I want to do Is pack my bags and leave!! 

But…. and it’s a massive but …. I AM their mum, I AM his wife and even if I left that wouldn’t change … I need to look after my babies and my husband and even if I’m not doing the greatest job I can only try my hardest! I lost my mum when I was just 5! I grew up in agony with a dark empty heart .. blaming the world .. blaming myself. My biological father was neglectful and emotionally numb … I had to bring myself up. At the age of 13 I promised my mum i would make her proud.. I would do my best to be a good mum if and when I got the chance… and it’s in those dark hopeless moments I remember that promise and get up and get on with it! Don’t get me wrong it’s hard and sometimes feels utterly hopeless but I can never give up! And I never will. 
My Anxity is triggered by everything! Is the house not clean enough.. are the kids in danger.. is that too dirty… are the kids gonna stop breathing… will they get run over .. will someone kid nap them … is my oldest safe at nursery.. the possibilitys are endless. I don’t honestly think there is anyway to stop them thoughts … I have always has them .. to be honest i have just learnt to live with them. Iv tried CBT, councilling, therapy and nothing has changed so Iv just learn to live with it. I let my husband know what thoughts are getting too out of control and he tries his hardest to calm me down and tries to reason with me that I am being completely unreasonable. It doesn’t work mind you but it’s always worth a try. For example leading to my eldest going to nursery to days a week, I had around 2 months of worrying and thinking the worst.. the one I couldn’t let go of was ‘they are all paedophiles in there and they are gonna hurt her and she’s not gonna be able to tell you and it will all be your fault’. The amount of sleepless nights i had, the Times I was sick from worrying … in the end I had to force myself to take her to nursery and let her go … my husband kept telling me it was totally irrational and it made no sense but my mind was ready with a reply to ever rassional thing he said … ‘they do checks they have to be cleared’ well my response was ‘just because they haven’t

been caught yet doesn’t mean they arnt bad people’ … this went for weeks… and I had to way of stopping them thoughts… so honestly I just went along with them … I kept feeling sick, worrying, not sleeping, until the day came and I dropped her off… I then spent the day worrying till I picked her up and she was so happy to of spent the day there. It’s not as bad now but it still creeps in at times … so how do I control my anxity??? The simple answer Is I don’t! I go with the flow and do my best to keep it under control. 

Some of the releases I use is



A nice hot bath with plenty of bubbles and bath bomb 

A truck loads of chocolate!!
I try my best to avoid triggers … but some times I need them to release the pressure .. we all need something to release the steam x 



Today has been a hopeful day for me and my family… 

After God know how many phone calls, screaming, pleaing and crying I have finally got a review for my medication … with no other than a pharmacist at my doctors … the doctors, mental health team, phyciatrist, crisis team failed me … each one passed the book.. they either did care/or take responsibility for my pleas for help, I was told to wait another 7 weeks!! After telling them I couldn’t cope… the medication needed reviewing… I’d self harmed … no one listened … again that feeling of hopelessness creeped in 

Then out of the blue today the pharmacist called me .. he told me he was reviewing my medication and has spoke to 4 different doctors .. after the doctor refered me to the crisis team … he was polite and so understanding .. he was also very apologetic that I wasn’t listen to, and that it had taken so long to get this sorted … he was shocked that they had me on such a low dose of my bipolar medication … he has increased it from 150mg at night to 200mg at night and 200mg in the morning!! I sat here and I cried down the phone thanking this man for helping me.. he in return he apologised again that I had been waiting for so long and that wires had been crossed on there end … it’s truly amazing isn’t it … sometimes it takes a stranger to bring back hope … 

Now with in increased dose I can hope that I might reach that stable stage … I mean wow … the possibility of being stable for the first time in my life is a really promising thought … 

Now to wait and see .. Let’s hope this helps 


The dream of recovery 

Recovery to me means being in a stable state
What a blissful word that holds untold promise of a day where I may wake up and just feel ‘normal’

Now I can’t honestly say iv never been in a state of recovery because I have … My period of self harming from the ages 11-17 is over so I guess it would be politically correct to say I am in a state of recovery but …. that doesn’t take into account that in those moments where I can’t cope, self harm is the first thing that springs to my mind … that need… that craving comes spiralling back to the fore front of my mind.
So i don’t think I’m in a state of recovery and I don’t think I ever will be … I see myself as a self harmer that just isn’t harming at the moment… just because I don’t cut deep to feel the release doesn’t mean I don’t hurt myself in other ways … like eating to much/too little, pushing everyone I love away, hurting them because I can’t hurt myself (not physically) .. so I’m just resisting at this moment in my life

Now in terms of my mental health regarding my bipolar iv never been stable… i have never got the help I need and I’m still fighting … me and my family live in hope that someday I’m not going to have to fight ‘alone’ … now I do have my family, my husband, my in laws and they are amazing … My husband is my rock. But he admits himself he has no idea what goes on in my head on a second to second basis so he researches and troll the internet to how he can support me better but as we all know each individual is different and there isn’t a map of my moods he can follow…
As it stands we hope everyday that i/we will recieve the help that we are so desperately reaching out for… everyone so far has failed me and we continue to try and fight this ourselves … I don’t just mean support for both me and my family but they haven’t cracked my medication yet either… and although I plead with them to help I have to wait …. and by waiting I mean the 12th of December (iv already been waiting for over 8 weeks) and that is just to get a review!!

So as much as I long to be in a state of recovery where I am stable … so far it’s just a dream that I will never achieve … i am literally in a state of hopelessness … I fight everyday just to get through… I wait for the manic and dread the depression…

But we live in hope!! 


My awful week 

So this week has been an awful week …
To start the week things where not too great.. between me and my two girls ..layla 2 maddison 11 months… having a sickness and diareah bug I spend most of my time with one or both clinging to me. I’m not going to lie it was really hard emotionally … at times I just wanted to be left alone. Having bipolar, anxiety, ocd and emotional problems sometimes I just don’t have the mental space to cope especially when my poorly children need me every second of the day.

Then came the night times when the kids where in bed and I got half an hour break in between changing pjs because my eldest had been sick again and she was telling me she didn’t feel well … it was in these moments I really felt like the worst mother in the world.. all that swirled through my bipolar mind was ‘i can’t even have five minutes to myself’. As a mother I should be able to spend the entire night telling my sad poorly children that everything is okay.. but for me I was emotionally drained I was ‘touched out’ .. in other words I just wanted to be left alone … but even though they were poorly and I went through the motions to make sure they were cared for, loved and made sure they knew their mummy was there for them no matter what I also had a husband to contend with … now the kids are in bed and I’m already so physically, mentally and emotionally drained my poor husband wanted his share of me … and in my mind my husband, unlike my kids, can just sit on the back burner till I’m ready to be around people again.

And of course this then lead to problems between me and the hubby … I can totally understand his frustrations and I honestly feel for him .. but it’s in these moment that I need his support .. I need him to be there and to pick up the slack that I just can’t cope with anymore … iv given every thing to my kids and I had nothing left for him.. and I still needed and wanted more from him …

My BIPOLAR mind had once again taken over everything … now my kids have only had the bare minimum from me and my husband has had nothing but greif from me … once again I’m not good enough… I’m not good enough and iv honestly tried my hardest … my hardest isn’t good enough …

I would give anything to just wake up and be able to have a whole day without having to fight… fighting to just do what should be completely normal to every other person … I wake up every day completely exhausted… and I know i have to find the strength to make it through another day … and I go to bed even more exhausted and know that every single day for the rest of my life is going to be a fight … the only difference between days is weather or not that fight is bearable or not!

To make it even worse my husband wants to take me away for our 2 year wedding anniversary in March .. we want to go to Prague and I’m so bloody excited … we are gonna have 4 days with no children and the limited emotional capacity I have is going to go to my poor husband for a change…. but as with everything in my life … my ANXIETY mind takes hold as I’m fighting to get some sleep and turns this one light in my future into a nightmare… in my mind .. we are gonna die, get robbed, kidnapped … the worst is gonna happen .. if you can think of it .. so have I…

But after all is said and done I have survived another week … I have succeeded in my fight … it may be one day at a time but I am still here and still fighting ..