I have so many triggers it’s hard to be able to control them!
Arguments!! We all have them and me and my husband are no exception! In fact we had one this morning … after the argument my first thought was self harm … I could feel it all rumbling deep down inside .. that pressure that needed releasing … I knew I had to suppress the thought and release the pressure another way… so I screamed at him!! Not a little shout I screamed!! Then i calmly sat down and started to fold the washing, then focused my mind on to cleaning. Eventually that thought passes and I’m back in that calm frame of mind.
I honestly don’t think that there is any possible way of avoiding it … it’s even harder for me, with two young children (2 and a half and almost 1) and a house to run, bills to pay, finances to keep on top of, bipolar to try and control … there is always something for me to stress about! My husband works hard to give me and the kids a better life and I stay at home and work my bum off to keep this house in order and the kids happy … but the stress and pressure adds up till I have a mini break down and spend the night sobbing … unfortunately there is no way for me to avoid it!! It’s hard for other woman I know but everything in my mind seems so overwhelming and like nothing will ever get better! In my bipolar mind if I’m in a manic state I handle everything like a bloody super hero and in my depression it’s feels almost impossible for me to keep onto of everything, I feel totally unable to be a mum to my girls and a wife to my husband … in that moment all I want to do Is pack my bags and leave!!
But…. and it’s a massive but …. I AM their mum, I AM his wife and even if I left that wouldn’t change … I need to look after my babies and my husband and even if I’m not doing the greatest job I can only try my hardest! I lost my mum when I was just 5! I grew up in agony with a dark empty heart .. blaming the world .. blaming myself. My biological father was neglectful and emotionally numb … I had to bring myself up. At the age of 13 I promised my mum i would make her proud.. I would do my best to be a good mum if and when I got the chance… and it’s in those dark hopeless moments I remember that promise and get up and get on with it! Don’t get me wrong it’s hard and sometimes feels utterly hopeless but I can never give up! And I never will.
My Anxity is triggered by everything! Is the house not clean enough.. are the kids in danger.. is that too dirty… are the kids gonna stop breathing… will they get run over .. will someone kid nap them … is my oldest safe at nursery.. the possibilitys are endless. I don’t honestly think there is anyway to stop them thoughts … I have always has them .. to be honest i have just learnt to live with them. Iv tried CBT, councilling, therapy and nothing has changed so Iv just learn to live with it. I let my husband know what thoughts are getting too out of control and he tries his hardest to calm me down and tries to reason with me that I am being completely unreasonable. It doesn’t work mind you but it’s always worth a try. For example leading to my eldest going to nursery to days a week, I had around 2 months of worrying and thinking the worst.. the one I couldn’t let go of was ‘they are all paedophiles in there and they are gonna hurt her and she’s not gonna be able to tell you and it will all be your fault’. The amount of sleepless nights i had, the Times I was sick from worrying … in the end I had to force myself to take her to nursery and let her go … my husband kept telling me it was totally irrational and it made no sense but my mind was ready with a reply to ever rassional thing he said … ‘they do checks they have to be cleared’ well my response was ‘just because they haven’t
been caught yet doesn’t mean they arnt bad people’ … this went for weeks… and I had to way of stopping them thoughts… so honestly I just went along with them … I kept feeling sick, worrying, not sleeping, until the day came and I dropped her off… I then spent the day worrying till I picked her up and she was so happy to of spent the day there. It’s not as bad now but it still creeps in at times … so how do I control my anxity??? The simple answer Is I don’t! I go with the flow and do my best to keep it under control.
Some of the releases I use is
A nice hot bath with plenty of bubbles and bath bomb
A truck loads of chocolate!!
I try my best to avoid triggers … but some times I need them to release the pressure .. we all need something to release the steam x