anxiety, blog, depression, mental health, motherhood, parenting, post natal depression, Recovery, Uncategorized, writing

Motherhood is exhausting.

I’ve been feeling the strains of being a stay-at-home Mum lately. Any one else? I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve been struggling and feeling alone in it all.

I’ve not been able to get out of bed, eat or even sleep properly – it all became a little too much for me!

What have I done to get myself out of this depressive hole you may ask?

  • Made myself comfortable. Whether it was laying in bed or going for a walk – I was following what my intuition was telling me to do for my mind. Riding the wave and literally waiting for it to pass.
  • Forced myself to challenge negative thoughts such as “I’m not a good Mum because I’m laying in bed doing nothing!”. How about turning that around to “I’m a good Mum because I’m putting myself first for my recovery!”.
  • Made sure I was safe. I let people know I was struggling, whether that was my mental health team/family. When I received their support I felt so much more supported and less alone.

So does self love and positive thinking really help in your darkest moments. Yes. Its tough though, really tough. As it’s like standing up to a bully and saying “get out of my head, I love myself and I’m strong”.

I’d love to hear how you manage your depressive episodes and what you think your triggers are?

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anxiety, blog, depression, mental health, motherhood, parenting, post natal depression, Recovery, Uncategorized

Mothers with illness.

 

 

Mummy, why are you sad?

The topic I would like to discuss today is around motherhood and mental health.

As a mum in today’s society we are very much expected to be superwoman, I mean all mums are! However, in the older days it was normal to have neighbours, friends, family help you. Now, if you ask for help there is something wrong, people wonder why you cannot manage alone.

Being a mum is tough, there are many positives (I won’t go into), but it is very hard work.

What makes this harder is poor mental health.

I do believe there is a “normal” level of mum guilt to be expected in any relationship with mother and child. The first time you leave them, when you return to work etc.

Having a mental health problem on top of that just escalates the guilt a million times.

As noted in my last post I have depression and anxiety. I am using medication currently which seems to be taking the edge off, but for a long time I was untreated. Being a mum with these problems does not mean what people think it means.

It’s not that I don’t love my child.

An example of a day with combined mum guilt, depression and anxiety would go like this:

7am Daughter wakes up, she is happy, springing to life. I try desperately to wake; I struggle profusely and want to cry due to the little sleep I obtained the night before due to racing thoughts.

I get up, Wednesday is our day off, and I have had this since she was born as it made me feel better about leaving her at nursery the other 4 days. So on a wed, I feel so guilty about sending her to nursery that I NEED to take her somewhere to have fun, spend money on her (guilt and anxiety).

I am extremely fatigued at this point already.

SO we may go to the cinema or soft play, these in themselves exhaust me as physically I feel constantly weak, and I am anxious in social places due to my anxiety about terrorism.

We get home following dinner out; we play with toys and games.

 

I really want to cry at this point, as I don’t want to play games, I want to lie down in bed in the dark and rest, I feel drained and exhausted from our day but I will keep trying to amuse her as I feel too guilty not to.

I spend my entire time amusing her, when really I should be also spending time cleaning or preparing dinner as we take turns cooking in our home. I know she does not need constant attention, but I get anxious from the feelings of being a bad mum that it is almost as if I have to prove myself to her.

By the time 5pm comes, the house is disgusting, there is no dinner ready for me and my husband, and I am tired, weak and tearful, and snap at my husband the second he walks in. I feel content in the fact that I now share the responsibility of my daughter and I can leave the room.

I will later then go to bed and not sleep due to hating myself for not cleaning the bathroom today, not hovering the landing and providing a good home for my daughter.

This is a viscous cycle that continues until I have the strength to break it again.

Being a mum with problems is difficult, I have good and bad days, above is a bad day.

On a good day I may go all day not noticing my thoughts, and we have a great day like I normal mummy. On a bad day I notice a change in her behaviour, it took my mum telling me for me to notice the pattern.

I would see my mum and tell her I am having a bad day due to my daughter being naughty, well in fact as my mum noticed when I woke up stressed and was overly trying to keep busy and distracting myself and her due to my low moods and anxiety, she could pick up these negative feelings and I triggered this behaviour!

I find good days are easy to manage (hate to point out the obvious), of course they are not instagram perfect, but they are manageable. I feel that is key, I used to re think my day and think about what I could have improved on, (I still do on occasion) but I now try to see good days as achievements, if I only became irritable a few times but was able to be out most of the day, engage with people and actually embrace society and my family then I reflect on how well I have done that day. I now discuss these days with my husband on the way home, it sounds silly but he will congratulate me on having a good day and tells me he loves me.

On my bad days, he will take my daughter out and let me rest for an hour or so, which before when I was at my worst I would not allow him to do, as I would feel too guilty to waste my time resting and push myself despite the exhaustion and anxiety and I became very angry and suicidal. Now, I rest.

If your phone dies, you would re-charge it. Why do we not consider re-charging ourselves?

We are human, we have energy, and we waste and use energy. I had to think biologically what am I doing to myself, I am already exhausting my body by having anxious thoughts, stress levels are rising, blood pressure rises and I experience a wave of panic and release of hormones. Instead of resting (recharging) following this drain on my body, I push myself to carry on, to go to work, to play with my daughter, to be a good wife. I then know how tired I am and that I am only offering half of my intentions and feel guilty about this and the cycle continues.

I am learning to recharge myself! As mums we have to, we are first and foremost humans, and without charged batteries we are only surviving and not living.

Our children need us to live, not survive.

It is not easy to adopt this way of thinking, especially when depression and anxiety is involved as your thoughts will tell you that you are lazy, neglecting your duties etc. And I still experience this, but I try breathing heavily through these thoughts whilst resting.

My daughter once asked me why I was sad, this was following another day off where she had a fab day, but I was emotionally and physically exhausted and was near breaking down and cried in the car on the way home.

I do not want her to ask me why I am sad, she is 4. She will learn to accept mental health as I will educate her in this as she grows as I want her to be open to her feelings and expressing these, but never again do I want my daughter to be concerned about my well-being.

We all have good and bad days, mums with mental health difficulties especially.

Embrace family, friends, and breathing techniques and make time to re charge yourself to enable you to live.

 

Casey

xx

anxiety, blog, depression, mental health, parenting, post natal depression, Uncategorized

Triggers

Below is a list of some of the things or ‘triggers’ that set my anxiety or low mood off. There are many but these are probably the most prevalent:

  • The weather: I have, for as long as I remember, always noticed a change in my mood when the weather is dull and gloomy. It doesn’t matter if it’s the middle of summer, if the weather is dull, wet, windy and gloomy, so is my mood. I am one of those people who thrive when the sun is shining. The warmth, the sunshine, the long days in the summer and even those cold, crisp sunny days in the winter. Everything always seems better when the sun is shining. I am sure no one really loves it when it’s dark, rainy and windy outside; but for me it’s more than just a dislike. It makes me feel sad. It makes me feel down. It makes me want to hibernate. I do not like being cold and wet. It makes everything that little bit more difficult. Everything is more of a faff. The uncertainty of it all makes me anxious.

 

  • Sleep: I love and need my sleep. If I do not get enough sleep I can be pretty foul to be around (just ask my husband). I must say, since having our son I have obviously gotten used to having a little less sleep than I would like, but I am glad (and lucky) to say that he has, on the whole, always been a very good sleeper. Of course he has his moments when he is ill or teething, but these are few and far between. I know I can function on very little sleep (because I did when he was a new born), but now I am used to my sleep again, I literally do not know how I would function if he wasn’t good at sleeping now. Particularly now he is an exhausting toddler and I am back at work. I always notice a change in my mood and anxiety levels when I am tired and haven’t gotten enough sleep. I snap and I am irritable. I get angry at the silliest things. Everything frustrates me and I struggle to cope with the simplest things, as they take all my energy. These are the days when CBeebies, or whatever our sons favourite film (obsession) is at the time, come in very handy. At the moment it is Shrek, or “Ogre” as he calls it. Quite frankly, some days the TV is a lifesaver. I used to beat myself up about days when we watched a lot of TV, but I don’t anymore. Through my counselling I have learnt and accepted that it is ok to have lazy days every so often if that is what I need to get me through the day. To cope with everyday life. I have now accepted this and know that it does not make me a bad mother. It makes me one who recognises that to do the best for our son and our family, I need to look after myself too.

 

  • Baby / Toddler mealtimes: Ever since we started weaning our boy at six months old, mealtimes have always been the worst part of my day. I basically dread them. They send my anxiety through the roof. We chose to wean our son using the baby wed weaning method (letting your child feed themselves from the very beginning of weaning). We chose this because this is what the Health Visitors recommend these days and on researching it, we could see the benefits of it (getting baby to learn to chew before swallowing etc.) and we liked the idea of just giving him a bit of what we were eating – less preparation for us to do (call me lazy if you like). But my god…THE MESS!!! Not long into it I started to regret the choice we had made but we didn’t really have a choice as even when we tried to spoon feed him, he wouldn’t let us. So we persevered. Sometimes it was easier than others. Sometimes we thought we had cracked it. Other times we felt like we were back at square one. I would love to say it has gotten better as he has gotten older, but that would be a lie. It is still like this now he is a toddler. The reason my anxiety always rockets through the roof at mealtimes is because I want our son to sit up nicely and eat all of his meal without making any mess. In other words, my expectations are completely unrealistic and I want him to be the perfect child so I don’t get judged as being a bad mother. Even though I know this is a totally unrealistic expectation for a not even two year old, it still doesn’t stop my anxiety from happening. My anxiety is not something I can control. It just happens. Many a time I have had to walk out of the kitchen and let my husband take over mealtimes because I just get so overwhelmed by it all. Since taking my anti-depressants, my anxiety around mealtimes has lowered and I am much more relaxed than I used to be, but I think it will always be there. To a certain extent anyway. And some days will always be better than others. I have already decided that if we have another baby, spoon feeding will be my preferred method of weaning and I will set my unrealistic expectations much lower.

 

  • Our son crying: I know they say that your baby’s cry is meant to get you. It is their only way of communicating and getting your attention after all. But from day one, every time I heard our son crying, it triggered something in me that told me I had failed. It told me I was a bad mother. It told me I wasn’t meeting his needs quick enough. It told me that people were going to judge me. It told me that people were going to think that I couldn’t look after our baby. It told me that people were going to get annoyed at me for having a baby that cried. Not once did I tell myself that it was ok for our baby to cry because that’s what babies do. Not once did I tell myself that people around me weren’t judging me and were just getting along with their lives. Even though I knew this, I punished myself every time he cried. What made it worse is that our son has always been a very content little boy and didn’t really cry that often as a baby. This just made me feel so, so guilty for feeling the way I did. Although I still find it hard when he cries, I am now able to cope with full blown toddler meltdowns when we are out without having a meltdown myself. I just tell myself that I don’t need to care what others might be thinking (because they probably haven’t even noticed) and tell myself that it is ok because this is just what toddlers do.

 

  • Change of plans: I like routine. Routine, makes me feel secure, as I like to know what is happening when and where and with whom etc. If I am going somewhere I have to plan to make sure I know things like where to park, what the cost of the parking is and where the entrance to the building is. This is to avoid looking lost and people thinking I am unorganised. So when plans change, particularly at the last minute, even if this change is just someone being late, it throws me all out. The unexpected unsettles me and makes me feel uncomfortable and anxious. Why can’t people just be on time? Why can’t I cope with change very well?

 

  • Meetings: I have never felt comfortable in a meeting environment. I only ever really contribute when I really have to. And even then I try to say the minimal I can get away with. I used to think it was just because I lacked confidence. I know this is part of it but I have also learnt that my anxiety plays a huge part. I have spent entire meetings before thinking of what to say word for word and when to say it, only for me to never pluck up the courage to say it. My anxiety stops me. It never wants me to say the wrong thing. It doesn’t want me to look incompetent. It doesn’t want me to be judged. It tells me that people aren’t going to be interested in what I have to say. It tells me that my views aren’t valid or important. It asks me “What if you want to say has already been covered but you missed it or just didn’t understand?” It asks me “Are you qualified and experienced enough for your view?” It asks me a lot of questions which stops me from speaking up. This is something I am so very conscious of in my work environment that it makes me feel sick sometimes. I now understand the reasons as to why I struggle in meeting environments, but it is not something that I would say has improved yet. My colleagues may think differently of course.

So that is just a flavour of what triggers my low mood and anxiety. I am sure I have already touched on others in previous blog posts and will do in future blog posts too.

X

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Triggers.

There nothing worse than having a bad day or knowing one is coming. I have many triggers like others. 

No sleep will trigger a relapse which is quite often as I suffer with insomnia or someone having a go at me, even if it’s nothing serious I take it to heart and it makes me feel so worthless I could cry. 
My friends and family know my triggers but seem to forget often, I often tell everyone I don’t need them no more but in fact there support is vital in my recovery. 

  

I fear that when I do relapse it’ll be bad enough for me to blank out (which has happened)

I forget what I’ve done no matter how extreme or serious something is that I’ve done, it’s just a total black out. It scares me because I know I’m capable of hurting my self quite easily and once I start I do find it hard to stop. 
I think society, especially family and friends say ‘they understand’ but no one actually does, I don’t understand someone else’s mental health because we’re all different. 

Mental health is very much like child birth I believe, it’s so hard to explain it, no matter how hard you try you can’t get it across to anyone. 
Chelsee 

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Triggers 

​I have so many triggers it’s hard to be able to control them! 
Arguments!! We all have them and me and my husband are no exception! In fact we had one this morning … after the argument my first thought was self harm … I could feel it all rumbling deep down inside .. that pressure that needed releasing … I knew I had to suppress the thought and release the pressure another way… so I screamed at him!! Not a little shout I screamed!! Then i calmly sat down and started to fold the washing, then focused my mind on to cleaning. Eventually that thought passes and I’m back in that calm frame of mind. 
Stress!!!! 
I honestly don’t think that there is any possible way of avoiding it … it’s even harder for me, with two young children (2 and a half and almost 1) and a house to run, bills to pay, finances to keep on top of, bipolar to try and control … there is always something for me to stress about! My husband works hard to give me and the kids a better life and I stay at home and work my bum off to keep this house in order and the kids happy … but the stress and pressure adds up till I have a mini break down and spend the night sobbing … unfortunately there is no way for me to avoid it!! It’s hard for other woman I know but everything in my mind seems so overwhelming and like nothing will ever get better! In my bipolar mind if I’m in a manic state I handle everything like a bloody super hero and in my depression it’s feels almost impossible for me to keep onto of everything, I feel totally unable to be a mum to my girls and a wife to my husband … in that moment all I want to do Is pack my bags and leave!! 

But…. and it’s a massive but …. I AM their mum, I AM his wife and even if I left that wouldn’t change … I need to look after my babies and my husband and even if I’m not doing the greatest job I can only try my hardest! I lost my mum when I was just 5! I grew up in agony with a dark empty heart .. blaming the world .. blaming myself. My biological father was neglectful and emotionally numb … I had to bring myself up. At the age of 13 I promised my mum i would make her proud.. I would do my best to be a good mum if and when I got the chance… and it’s in those dark hopeless moments I remember that promise and get up and get on with it! Don’t get me wrong it’s hard and sometimes feels utterly hopeless but I can never give up! And I never will. 
My Anxity is triggered by everything! Is the house not clean enough.. are the kids in danger.. is that too dirty… are the kids gonna stop breathing… will they get run over .. will someone kid nap them … is my oldest safe at nursery.. the possibilitys are endless. I don’t honestly think there is anyway to stop them thoughts … I have always has them .. to be honest i have just learnt to live with them. Iv tried CBT, councilling, therapy and nothing has changed so Iv just learn to live with it. I let my husband know what thoughts are getting too out of control and he tries his hardest to calm me down and tries to reason with me that I am being completely unreasonable. It doesn’t work mind you but it’s always worth a try. For example leading to my eldest going to nursery to days a week, I had around 2 months of worrying and thinking the worst.. the one I couldn’t let go of was ‘they are all paedophiles in there and they are gonna hurt her and she’s not gonna be able to tell you and it will all be your fault’. The amount of sleepless nights i had, the Times I was sick from worrying … in the end I had to force myself to take her to nursery and let her go … my husband kept telling me it was totally irrational and it made no sense but my mind was ready with a reply to ever rassional thing he said … ‘they do checks they have to be cleared’ well my response was ‘just because they haven’t

been caught yet doesn’t mean they arnt bad people’ … this went for weeks… and I had to way of stopping them thoughts… so honestly I just went along with them … I kept feeling sick, worrying, not sleeping, until the day came and I dropped her off… I then spent the day worrying till I picked her up and she was so happy to of spent the day there. It’s not as bad now but it still creeps in at times … so how do I control my anxity??? The simple answer Is I don’t! I go with the flow and do my best to keep it under control. 

Some of the releases I use is

Cleaning 

Colouring 

A nice hot bath with plenty of bubbles and bath bomb 

A truck loads of chocolate!!
I try my best to avoid triggers … but some times I need them to release the pressure .. we all need something to release the steam x 

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Recovery, is it for me?

Don’t get me wrong, I am much better than I was, say, this time last year. But there is a part of me that wonders if I’ll ever be myself again.

I have got to the point where, to the outside eye, I am a fully functioning adult. I’m back at work in my responsible career. I’m being a good mum again, and, I hope, a good wife. Deep down though, I still feel a failure.

Thats what my brain is telling me. But my brain isn’t working properly. Today, anyway.

So, if my pancreas wasn’t working properly, I would be treated with insulin. If my kidneys weren’t working properly, I’d be treated with dialysis.Therefore, as my head isn’t working properly, I’m treating it with medication and mindfulness. The medication helps both the depression and the anxiety, the mindfulness helps the anxiety. Its the anxiety that I find most crippling, so I have developed some skills to combat it, thanks to a six week course of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. This basically gave me an alternative way of reacting to anxieties. Changing my response rather than eliminating the source.

The exercise I have found most effective on most occasions is what I call “Sensing the senses” (I’m sure there is a correct name, but I don’t know it). Basically I spend a minute or two concentrating on each of the five senses, sight, taste, smell, touch, hearing.

For sight, I look around and focus on a particular colour – I find green the most soothing. Then I imagine I am eating a square of milk chocolate, holding it in my mouth, letting the flavour hit my tastebuds. I then think of the smell of freshly mown grass and wildflowers in a meadow. Touch involves stroking a piece of material, feeling its fibres and softness. Finally hearing involves me playing a favourite piece of relaxing music in my head.

At the end of these 6 or 7 minutes, generally my breathing rate has slowed and settled, and my overactive mind has calmed.

I also made a resolution at the beginning of my recovery that i would only allow myself to stress about things which I have the power to change. If I cannot change it, then there is very little point in wasting time and energy in worrying. As I’m sure you can imagine, this isn’t always successful, but there certainly have been occasions where I have been victorious. And it IS a victory, as is every single day that I go to bed without having shed a tear all day. I’m pleased to report that those victorious days are in greater number than the defeated days.

anxiety, blog, depression, mental health, motherhood, parenting, post natal depression, Recovery, Uncategorized

Recovery takes time

Once the doctor had diagnosed me with postnatal depression and anxiety, they signed me off work for two weeks with immediate effect, prescribed me anti-depressants and referred me to a local NHS counselling service.

I eventually ended up having five months off sick from work in order to fully aid my ongoing recovery. During this time, I was still taking our son to nursery on the three days I should have been at work. We wanted to keep him in his routine as much as possible during this time, plus he loves nursery. I usually have to chase him round the room at the end of the day to get his shoes and coat on and have to bribe him with all sorts of things in an attempt to get him to cooperate; which usually fails.

This meant I had three days a week to myself for five months. Bliss, I hear you say. Every parent will, I am sure, understand how precious child free time is, so I do fully appreciate that I have been very lucky to be able to have this time. I would love to say that I spent the time doing really exciting things but that would be a lie. The time was a complete mixture of ups and downs, good days and bad days, as you would probably expect. Some days I found it hard to do much more than to get out of bed, sit in front of the TV and sleep for most of the day. Other days I was able to get out and do things.

I feel I could probably write forever about my ongoing recovery as it is such a long process with lots of ups and downs. Plus I am not sure you ever really recover from postnatal depression, you just learn to cope and manage it better and you become a new version of you. So what I am going to focus on in this blog post is some of the things I have done for myself over the last year to remind myself that I am important too; spending time on ‘me’ is not selfish; and neglecting myself only serves to make myself worse.

One of the first things I did for myself was to book myself in to see an osteopath. Something which I had been meaning to do since our son was born. I suffered badly during pregnancy with back ache and pelvic girdle pain and it had not really righted itself since having him. But of course, I just thought that it was normal to feel like this after giving birth so did nothing about it for over a year. Little did I know, my pelvis had been stuck in the birthing position all year! Luckily, this was quite common (although most people get it sorted out sooner) and it only took five sessions with the osteopath until I felt like I had a new back.

Another thing I did was to book myself onto my best friend’s three week beginner’s yoga course. I knew that yoga practice is good for the mind as well as the body and I felt like both needed a treat. My osteopath had also been talking how important stretching is when sorting out back problems and recommended yoga. My low mood and anxiety was still very prevalent at this point, but knowing that it was my best friend teaching me put me more at ease. She is a truly awesome yoga teacher and if you are local to Sussex and are interested in yoga classes, check out her website and blog at www.laynayoga.co.uk. Unfortunately due to it being early days in my ongoing recovery, I had to miss the second week of the course, as the doctor had just upped my medication and I was feeling a little sick and spaced out that day. She understood.

I had not had my hair done since before going back to work after maternity leave six months prior, so it was definitely due some tlc. I decided I needed a new low maintenance cut and colour so that if I neglected myself again, my roots wouldn’t look so bad. My hairdresser suggested ombreé (the gradual blending of one colour hue to another, usually moving tints and shades from light to dark). So ombreé it was. Having my hair done was amazing therapy, but even better were the chats I had with my hairdresser about her postnatal depression, as once she had learnt about me, she opened up to me. This made me feel much less alone.

I had been thinking about starting a blog on and off for a few years but never really thought I had much to write about or anything interesting to say, so always put it off. Once I had started counselling though, which I will write a separate blog post about one day, I realised that I had a huge amount to say and that talking was really helping me. So, I decided to give writing a try. At first, it started off as notes in a note book which helped to clear my mind of any thoughts I was having or anything that I wanted to talk to my counsellor about at our next session. I was so surprised at how much it almost instantly helped, that I decided to give blogging a go, as an additional therapy tool to aid me in my recovery.

So, I set up my blog ‘From Mind to World’, which was very easy to do (I have no prior experience) and I started writing. At first I had so much to write about that I was writing almost daily, sometimes all day. I had draft after draft sitting in folders on my computer, and idea after idea in my notebook. I have no prior writing experience except a B in GCSE English, so I just decided to write from the heart and to not try to be anything. I am pleased to say that my blog has been really well received and some of the comments I have received have been so overwhelming. I have had strangers contacting me to thank me for opening up about my experiences as it has helped them realise they are not alone or to have that conversation they have been meaning to have for a while but haven’t been strong enough. It was amazing to hear that my therapy tool of blogging was not only helping me, but it was also helping others. It has also led to me writing regular blog posts for Mums4MumsUK https://mums4mumsuk.wordpress.com Check it out!

One thing I realised from blogging is how important it is to surround yourself with positivity and things that make you feel good and to get rid of any negativity and things that make you feel bad. One thing so many of us are guilty of (including me) is filling our social media feeds with our ‘perfect’ lives for all to see. I had never really understood the effects of this until my recovery but it is so important to remember that this is not ‘real’ life. It is a snapshot in time of a moment that someone wants you to see. You have no idea what came before or after that photo or even how that person may really be feeling. I took the decision to ‘unfollow’ a lot of people on my social media pages for this exact reason. Not because I didn’t care about them and their lives, but because I needed to look after my mental health as a priority and this is what I needed to do.

I also joined a few different online support groups around postnatal depression and mental health so that I could receive support from others who understood what I was going through (as I think it is so hard to really understand unless you have been there yourself) but also so that I could give my support to others. It has made me feel much less alone, much more ‘normal’ (I know there is no normal) and has made me realise just how prevalent mental health issues are and that, although it is better than it was, we have a got a long way to go before care for mental health is equal with care for physical health.

Notwithstanding what I have just said above about understanding, I cannot finish this blog without mentioning the incredible support I have received from my husband, family and friends. A lot of them haven’t been through what I have been through, but some have. I have never expected anyone to fully understand what it is like living with a mental illness, but this does not mean they haven’t listened to me when I have needed it, tried to understand to the best of their ability or been there for me. Even if they haven’t been able to understand, they have always made it clear that they are there for me. That I am not alone. And that it is ok to need a bit of help from time to time. Life is hard! The support has been truly amazing. You know who you are, and I thank you!

So, these are just a few of the things that I have done to aid my ongoing recovery (I will write about more in other blog posts). The time I have had and the support I have received has been vital to my recovery. I truly believe that without it, I would not be where I am today and I would certainly not be writing this blog for the world to see. It has given me time to really focus on me and remind myself that I can’t look after my family and friends if I am not looking after myself first. I have learnt a lot to say the least!

The journey has been slow and is still ongoing but it’s all about taking small steps and eventually the good days will start to outweigh the bad days.

X